‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”