@DarzieDAMN: My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know
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@MableGertrude: If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.
@jjhartinger: Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
@michaelianblack: Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.
@_GrahamPatrick: [bedroom] TRANSFORMER WIFE: Honey, this is silly. I'd never cheat on you. TRANSFORMER HUSBAND: Okay....hey, when did we get that wardrobe?