@DarzieDAMN: My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know
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@SaraMansford: *Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.
@david8hughes: [date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Wife: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
@WilliamAder: A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.