My guardian angel deserves a raise
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3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation