My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Y’all ready for this
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Worst perfume name ever.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
the answer was staring at me all along
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.