Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.