My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.