I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Canada has crack?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Meow?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.