My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I never needed anything more in my life
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes