My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Overindulged this afternoon.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.