Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.