My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
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she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.