@Celestinelea90: My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.
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@AnOrangeSNES: [Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist] Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like? Me: Not anymore I can't
@Ideal_Victoria: Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations... Friend: You say 'good morning' back
@HallpassCanada: Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can't spot the douche at work today, then it's probably you.
@panmidwest: [pulled over] ME: Ok, don't let him know you're an alligator COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line ME: [exhale] thank God…