*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?