My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat saladđȘ
You Might Also Like
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: âWant.â
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wanâitâs a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad Iâm pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* Iâm having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpaâs đ having a heart attack đ
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. Iâm not in the mood anymore.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
sure Iâll interpret that dream for you, itâs about hydration, theyâre all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolisâ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
The way my kids use toothpaste theyâll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My 6yo told me that I couldnât go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said âa bathroom wordâ and he didnât let me in.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of teaâŠ
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I donât understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent youâve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask âand now what?â the second they get back home.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My neighbourâs toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.