My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
just pretend nothing happened
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.