@Dallani: My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
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@TheMichaelRock: Me: The bathroom Wife: What? Me: I was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where I was going.
@KalvinMacleod: 911 what's the emergency "Please help, I made too much spaghetti" Relax sir, we've all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
@xLiserx: Dog Park Kid: What's his name? Me: Dorito. He's a therapy taco. Don't pet him. Kid:*Throws Ball* Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
@SteveSuckington: ME: in closing, all of the facts I've presented today prove that Bush did 911 PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written