@Dallani: My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
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@BuckyIsotope: When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she's just not that into you.
@joe_binkley: Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise... Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
@Manda_like_wine: Always buy 'hand wash only' shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a 'hand wash only' basket for 15 years.