My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork