My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
You Might Also Like
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?