My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
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hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?