My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Geez man, take it easy.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..