My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”