The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Did I do this right
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.