London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
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Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
You know…for fall…
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.