My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
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If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned