My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
This will never not be funny to me.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”