7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
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Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.