My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
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I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.