I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
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I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
what kind of cook setting is this??
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.