My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
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In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Meanwhile in Canada…
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!