My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
just having fun
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table