I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Rather alarming headline…
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim