Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.