If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
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Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire