My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
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Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.