My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
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Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
canadian assassins are called killergrams
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.