My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
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to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what