@zwina_summer: My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn't enough time.
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@envydatropic: It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
@CheetohFace: The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I'm not sure they even know what they're doing anymore, you guys.
@hazelmotes1: Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by! Me: wha? Her: Because all the candy is gone Me: Ooooh right. So many.