My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The biggest mystery of our time
this could fix me
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Breaking news:
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body