@zwina_summer: My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn't enough time.
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@AbbyHasIssues: The good news is it wasn't a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
@AnOrangeSNES: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!" *A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower* "Screw this!"
@albz: I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
@pleatedjeans: [Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. "dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT