[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
New comic up. “Ransom”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*