My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Me driving through Toronto
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.