My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?