My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
My sex drive has a dui
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
12653.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.