My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
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When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
be careful
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.