My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS