@FantastiKelly: My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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@Discourt: I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn't have to hear her say she's done.
@shadygrenade: "Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?" *throws pineapple against grocery store wall* "Ah nuts that was a good one."
@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments. Me: Yes, but do go on...
@LuluLanternFish: Before I really understood sarcasm people would say things like "oh, well look who it is" and I'd be like "it's me Karen, I'm your daughter"