@FantastiKelly: My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues. Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
@KeetPotato: me: "i taught this chimp to say words" chimp: "nice haircut" reporter: "oh my god.. does he know anything else?" me: "sarcasm apparently"
@jake_lach: My dealer texts to ask if I'm straight and I'm not even sure how that's relevant to our arrangement
@SucculentPizza: Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I've narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube