My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
i choose….tongue
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.