My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies