Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
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her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
twitter users today:
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”