My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I love twitter
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me: