My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
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[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I can’t stop laughing at this
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.