My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.