@Cpt_Burnout: My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).
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@jordan_stratton: [Walks up to stranger] Me: "Excuse me, would you take my picture?" Him: "Sure." Me: "Great!" [I hand him a beautiful 5x7 portrait of me]
@NathanBgood: "They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!" -- me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
@RealCarrotFacts: Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep