@Cpt_Burnout: My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).
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@QwertyJones3: Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
@VerifiedDrunk: Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
@UnFitz: Doctor, reading chart: "Says here you're improving!" Doctor: "...Oops." *slowly turns chart rightside up*