My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Um … Hot Wings please
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.