@SuburbanComa: My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him "Jesus, you're how old?"
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@Mr_Kapowski: Me: "I injured myself at the gym" Buddy: "Too much weight?" Me: "I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill"
@CoolCamel69: *pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview* Nexft queffstun pleeazse "Umm. Your biggest weakness?" Panfccakes
@Kyle_Lippert: I'm such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
@PaperWash: [wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today? [me doing push ups] hell no I'm not letting that baby get stronger than me