@SuburbanComa: My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him "Jesus, you're how old?"
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@shutupmikeginn: Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.
@TyWebb1980: I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
@HousewifeOfHell: Kids' complaints on vacation: - No wifi on beach - Sand is sandy - Ocean has salt in it - Lobsters? I want pizza. - Too outdoorsy outside