@LurkAtHomeMom: My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn't want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
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@bourgeoisalien: I'm so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
@donni: Stop saying "There's plenty of fish in the sea." I'm sick of fish seducing all our human women!
@AimeeHelene1: The best call ever would be "Hey, it's me!", but from your dog... Because: 1. Aww your dog's calling you 2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!