@LurkAtHomeMom: My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn't want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
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@jobless4eyes: Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he's suntanning.
@Laser_Cat: A fun prank to pull on a neighbor is to introduce a species of invasive grass into his lawn.
@Reverend_Scott: [kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Amazon. "Why's it take 9 months?" Shipping. Go to sleep.