My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
figuring out my emotional availability:
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
what are they serving at kfc then???
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Girl, same.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Going to church you guys need anything
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.