My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!